You know that voice inside your head? Does it ever get so intense that you wish you could jump inside of your own mind and duct tape that little demon’s mouth closed?
My demons have been loud this week. I have yet to invent a machine to be able to make that jump inside my own mine so, when all else failed, I decided to try writing again. I may ramble, but if that means I can sleep in peace tonight, I am okay with rambling. Bare with me.
I find myself awake at night, tossing and turning. My mind won’t stop screaming,yet I can’t understand a word. The words that I can make out I realize are lies but, how many times can you hear the same things over and over before you start to believe them?
In the black of the night, the darkest parts of me whisper their lies.
"You are weak."
"You’ll never make it."
"You shouldn’t have eaten that."
"You are crazy.”
"You’ll push them away."
"Be more like her."
"You are worthless."
Well demons, I have a couple of things I would like you to realize.
"You are weak." Wrong. I am strong. I have made it this far. I will continue to fight through the hard times. I haven’t given up thus far, why would I now? I will make it. I believe in myself no matter what you try to tell me. I will make it, and I will make a difference.
"You’ll never make it."
"You shouldn’t have eaten that." I will eat whatever I damn well please. I will not fall back into your trap. If I feel like devouring a burger, I will devour a burger. If I feel like eating some celery, I will love every bite of it. We live one life in a big world. That big world has a lot of food to offer me and you will not tell me that I will gain ten pounds every time I take one bite. I WILL eat what I feel like eating. Everything in moderation. "You’re alone." I am surrounded by people who love me. Completely surrounded. Every corner I turn there is somebody there who cares. You are alone demons. You cannot drag me into your dark hole so you can have some company. "You’re selfish." Everyone has selfish days. I am not a selfish person. I have learned recently that nothing brings me more joy than giving without expecting. You demons, you are stuck in your selfish ways. "You are crazy.” I am crazy. I am crazy about my loved ones. I am crazy about music. I am crazy about my dog. I am crazy about dance. I am crazy about life. I am crazy about a lot of things. Crazy can be good. Crazy can be great. So yes, I am crazy and I would not change a thing. "You’ll push them away." The old me pushed people away. When the going got tough, I thought it would be easier to push people away and make the loss of them “my own choice.” Now, I pull people in. When times are good and when times are bad, the people who love me are by my side. I need them. The only people I am pushing away these days is you, demons. You can leave. "Be more like her." Who say she has it any better than I do? Maybe compared to her demons, I would want you guys as best friends.
"You are worthless." I am worthy. End of story.
Tonight I will sleep peacefully. The demons may start to whisper, but I will be screaming back in their faces. I will not believe a word they say.
One day, I’ll invent that machine.